God, who goes by a large number of aliases including Yaweh, Jehovah, Allah, The Almighty and Him, has been on the run since the beginning of time as men have sought to bring him to book for his innumerable terrorist actions, including all “natural” disasters, wars, famines and diseases.
All attempts to treat with God over many millennia have failed and the question is being asked “Does God have any coherent or realisable demands of Man?”
Taxed with this problem, the Rev Dr I M A Believer said “God’s ways are mysterious and not for Man to question. It is all part of His divine plan”.
An unbeliever, Mr Thomas Doubting, would have none of this. “One only has to look around the world to see what a nonsense this God idea is. Christians say he is a loving God, a good Shepherd and Muslims say he is all merciful, while Jews have believed just about everything about their God at some time in the past 3 millennia, including believing He has chosen them as His favoured people. Try squaring that with these disasters.
“As for the rest of religion, you run the gamut from folks believing that rocks and rivers have spirits in them to the likes of Buddhists who say there is no God, merely states of existence. If all that’s sending a coherent message to Man I’m Charlie Chaplin.”
A UN spokesman said: “Vast attempts have been made to appease God by slavish worship and sacrifices over the past millennia, but all that has achieved is to show the truth of Kipling’s verse ‘Once you have paid the Danegeld/You never get rid of the Dane’. Our major problem is that it is not clear what God’s demands are as He sends out so many conflicting messages. It is unclear whether he has any rational or consistent demands. “
Dissenting voices have also been heard regarding the causes of “acts of God”. A structural engineer Mr Al Putogether blames the series of disasters on poor design. “Just look at how poor the construction of Man is. He can only walk upright by adopting a permanent falling tactic and women often die in childbirth because the baby’s head is too big for the mother’s pelvis. And what about viral diseases? They just mutate all on their own. Then there’s the big one: genetic coding which is mistranslated to give mutations. And is it beyond the wit of an omniscient being to avoid the ageing process and senile dementia? Clearly no one is in proper control.”
Mr Putogether was backed up by a fellow engineer, Mr Lou Tension. “Everything we see is jerry built. You’ve got a planet where molten lava keeps breaking through the crust. What kind of safety cover is that? Hasn’t God heard of negative feedback? Then there are these damned tectonic plates which just keep slipping about and causing earthquakes. And what about the oceans and the weather? Where’s the quality control? Where are the safety fail-safes? How come we have tidal waves and hurricanes? What’s so great about things like the last Asian tsunami? Jeeez… that was just a low technology action using nothing more than crude earth shifting and water. Hell, I could come up with something better over lunch!”
Following the media claim that God is in frequent communication with the one-time President of the United States of Moronica, George W Moron, ex-President Moron said “God talks ter me plenty but he don’t tell me everythin’ an’ sometimes he tells me things I ain’t ter tell anyone else.”
Retired British PM Margaret Thatcher told BBC News that “Terrorists must never be appeased, even if they are God”.
Questioned on the latest “act of God”, all religious leaders said it was either “His mysterious will” or the consequence of “bad karma”.
A Papal spokesman issued a statement denying that the Catholic Church was merely “the temporal arm of God” and had no control over God’s actions. However, the spokesman refused to condemn God and said that His actions must be put in the context of Man’s past behaviour. The spokeman ended by emphasising that “He will not be going away”.
Last night the digital TV station Angelspan broadcast a message they claimed was from God: “My will be done, whatever it is, and ‘acts of God’ will continue until it is done!”
Angelspan said that the message had been left in the mind of their political editor by the well established God method of transmission: Revelation.
Experts are agreed that future acts of terror by God were certain, it was a case not of whether but when.